Well done - now meet the constituents from hell

John Black, defeated Member of Parliament for Midshire West, has a few words of advice for his successor.

Dear Justin

You mentioned at the count last Thursday that you would appreciate it if I would pass on to you any unfinished casework so that you could get going on helping your new constituents straight away.

Most of the cases are self-explanatory but I hope you will find the background information on the following helpful.

I believe you met Mrs Osborne (43 Cleve Close) during the campaign.

She rang to tell me that you were a nice young man and that, since I had done nothing for her, she would be voting for you.

I have shredded everything before 2005; (the help with a hip replacement; £12,000 compensation from her bank and the resolution of a disagreement with the stair lift installers) and left only the ongoing issues.

If the new government extends pension credits, as she tells me it will, I am sure you will be able to get one for her.

If not, you may be more successful than I in convincing her that, with rental income from four houses, plus a holiday villa in Spain, she is not among the poorer pensioners the credits were intended to help.

Mr Harman (27 Crocombe Crescent) may be more difficult. He wants to know the whereabouts of his wife's mother, who owes him £57.

She emigrated to the US in 1984 and Mrs Harman says she died there in 1990 (and that they all went to her funeral).

I am glad to say that when Mr Harman wrote to the Speaker, the prime minister and the Queen to complain about my negligence in not accompanying him to the US to help him search, no action against me was thought appropriate. The £57 debt, however, is still causing him concern which he will want to share with you.

I know you have taken a strong stand against anti-social behaviour, so will be anxious to help Mrs Clegg (113 Dulverton Drive) who complains (often) about noise from her upstairs neighbour, Mr Brown.

He has laid thick carpet and listens to his music on headphones but he does walk around his flat on occasions, flushes the toilet when necessary and opens and closes his front door when he goes out to work. Mrs Clegg believes the council's noise monitoring equipment is faulty.

I expect Mr Clarke (12 Watchet Walk) will have been in touch already. I was successful in persuading his car manufacturer to install a new camshaft free of charge, despite the car being out of guarantee, but failed to get the change in the law that he wanted (manufacturers being obliged to replace all camshafts every two years free of charge).

All the other legislation he believes necessary is listed in a separate section and if you get the chance to propose a Private Member's Bill, it will be a rich source of ideas for you.

Briefly, (as the van to collect my files has just arrived) we have:

1. Mrs Cameron - upstairs neighbour spies at her through holes in the floor, which have not been found, despite careful searching. However, Mrs Cameron (and her budgie) can both see the neighbour's eyeball.

2. Mr May (57) wants visa for his wife (22).

UK authorities reluctant because neither speaks the other's language and they have met only once – for the wedding.

3. Mrs Johnson – son wrongly imprisoned for attacking a shop-keeper. Though "no angel", Jason was "only playing" and the CCTV footage of him hitting the man over the head with a baseball bat must be a fake as Jason does not play baseball.

No more time now, I'm off to the travel agent to book a trip to Australia to visit my son and grandchildren. I shall, of course, be very interested to hear of your success in solving all the problems which I, so dismally, failed to do.

Yours sincerely

John Black (former MP)

(As dictated to Rosemary Chamberlin).