Chuka the lion faces tortoise Vince

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27th October 2011

Sharp-suit, chunky watch, and head cocked at an angle which oozes self-confidence.

Welcome to the front bench, Chuka Umunna.

No stranger to lists of "ones to watch" and quite comfortable with flattering comparisons with leader of the free world, Umunna is a man in a hurry.

And with business secretary Vince Cable up to his ears in tax return forms, much was expected as the new shadow business secretary squared up to a politician of an altogether different vintage.

Indeed, as Cable himself has pointed out, his political career is so lengthy that despite joining the SDP in the early 1980s he has still clocked up more years as a Labour Party member than young Chuka.

For 50 minutes the new shadow business secretary sat in silence, occasionally reading his notes and often glancing to the Press Gallery.

Perhaps the sense of occasion had hit him, though I doubt it.
Instead his able deputies – there now seems to be around ten shadow business ministers – took turns to talk, with Umunna barely glancing up as Toby Perkins, the prop forward of the shadow pack, lumbered to his feet.

"Britain's construction industry needs a lion at the wheel. Instead it's got a tortoise" he announced, a sizeable fist causing damage to the Despatch Box.

That one definitely sounded better in front of the mirror.

Perkins' meandering metaphor met with a haughty ministerial reply: "As I recall, the tortoise beat the hare." Perkins could only nod.

Luckily amateur zoologist Chris Bryant came to his rescue, declaring loudly that "the lion eats the tortoise!" I've looked this up. While the shell is surely a struggle, it's true: lions will happily eat a tortoise.

But this was all too absurdist for the Speaker, who declared that he had heard enough about animals for one day.

Instead, he called David Willets to speak: "Let's hear one of the brains of the minister", Bercow announced, but Bryant, still swaggering after showing off his superior feline knowledge, had no interest in the "hare-brained" Willets.

Hare-brained. Geddit? Bercow laughed. Bryant took a mock bow.

Viewers at home reached for the off button. And the construction industry continues to audition for a driver.

Also on the prowl was the beast of Bolsover, but this animal has mislaid both bark and bite. Poor Denis Skinner is now an ageing silverback with no pack to call his own.

After grumbling about "grey miserable clouds" which had had appeared over his constituency ever since this "tin pot government" took office, Skinner later braved the first mention of the business secretary's VAT slip-up, calling out "tax dodger" as Cable answered a question.

But this was mere knee-jerk heckling.

Skinner's arms were folded, his eyes stared at the carpet, and his heckle was half-hearted. The beast's heart just doesn't look in it anymore.

Nor, strangely, did Chuka Umunna's, who wondered whether Cable still deserved to be known as an "economic prophet."

No doubt happy to be reminded of one his former titles, Dr. Cable instead did the university professor act and welcomed the young pupil after his "rapid and considerable promotion."

The newcomer then tried an economics lecture, as Umunna reminded Cable of the old Keynesian motto that "when the facts change, I change my mind", and asked: "When will the business secretary change his mind?"

But Cable has been in this game a long time, and out-quoted Umunna by reading an excerpt from a letter which Keynes once wrote to Franklin Roosevelt.

The message was simple from Cable to Umunna: You'll have to do better than that. Umunna sat down, straightened his suit, and returned to the blocks.

He may be in a hurry, but Labour's golden boy now knows that hares are beaten by tortoises. Lions, on the other hand…

Sam Macrory is political editor of The House Magazine.

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