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By Sam Macrory - 14th January 2011
Business Questions first thing on a Thursday is not one of Parliament’s box office moments, but yesterday the scribes gathered like vultures. They found their prospective carcass still living, though for a while it was hard to tell.
At the Despatch Box, after three weeks of lying low and wisely refusing to speak to giggling blonde constituents with dubious addresses, Vince Cable was making his return.
His punishment for his unwise comments to reporters masquerading as constituents - Cable bragged about his “nuclear option” and announced that he would be “declaring war” on the shy and retiring Sky supremo Rupert Murdoch - was to have some ministerial responsibilities stripped away.
Where once we praised the former oracle’s every move, we now waited eagerly for a goof, a gaffe, a confirmation of his unhappiness. How fickle, how shallow, but how much more interesting.
Understandably Vince looked awkward, but then again he always does. Yesterday, however, his hands shook as he clutched at his papers and he glanced repeatedly in the direction of the press gallery.
He had a message to convey: the claws may have been blunted, but admire my new rhino hide. He needed one too.
First amongst a crowd of Labour backbenchers to attempt a needling of the business secretary was Ian Lucas, who asked if “it would be good for jobs in the digital economy sector for it to be outside the control of the Business Secretary?”
Before Cable could react, a blur of well-cut wool-blend leapt across his eyeline, as his ministerial ally John Hayes sprung to his feet, puffed out his chest, and led a one-man cavalry charge in defence of his trusty secretary of state.
“One of the things about coalition is that it brings together people from different starting points,” he began. Oh dear. That sounded like confirmation of Vince’s emasculation. Labour MPs jeered. Vince looked a little more emasculated.
Hayes recovered quickly, praising Cable’s “unrivalled” commitment to his role. He then sat down, looking over to Cable and nudging him, almost affectionately. I was too far to hear a purr. Whatever Cable muttered in return – let’s assume it was a thank you – seemed to galvanise his ministerial colleague still further.
Hayes beamed happily, later returning to the Despatch Box to recite Yeats and declare, triumphantly: “I want the light of adult learning to burn brightly across the whole of Britain… That light will burn as long as we are in government, and as long as I am the minister.” He means it too. In Hayes’ head the crowds cheered. All around me I heard laughter.
John Glen was the first Conservative to unhelpfully remind his coalition colleague directly of one the more inopportune phrases from his ‘interview’ with the Daily Telegraph, asking with a smirk when he would use his “nuclear weapons”. The business secretary ignored the reference.
This triggered a barrage from the Labour benches, each question adding a further furrow line to Cable’s brow and arching his eyebrows into ever angrier angles.
John Denham, the shadow business secretary, hid a lengthy question behind an attempted punch line: “Everyone knows that he is hanging on to his job by a thread, waiting for the Prime Minister to cut it.”
“Stale,” dismissed Cable.
Gordon Banks look delighted as his question combined both the interview and Cable’s favourite hobby, asking if Cable would use his “nuclear option” or “dance away” from the issue of bankers’ bonuses. A “torturous metaphor”, Cable wearily replied.
He saved his best put down for Tom Watson, who looked far too pleased with himself as he announced Cable’s “remarkable transformation from Chairman Mao to Mr “Has Been”. The reference to Cable’s original “from Stalin to Mr Bean” put-down to the prime minister didn’t get a huge laugh; Cable’s response - “that must be about the 10th repetition of that joke. It was nothing like as good as my original” – faired rather better.
At last, the juices were flowing again. Chris Leslie’s suggestion that Cable might resign if he failed to prevent a round of lavish bankers’ bonuses was dismissed as an “absurd question”, and when Stephen Timms asked a question on broadband Cable took delight in telling him to direct his question to “my colleague in the DCMS”.
The House laughed. Cable smiled. The “Has Been” briefly looked like he was back in business. But the weapons at his disposal look distinctly blunted.
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